Starsong (starsongky) wrote,

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breaking down

As long as I can remember, when I feel overwhelmed - usually through frustration, stress or helplessness - I react with uncontrollable tears. It's like the logic brain suddenly shuts off, and emo me breaks down with a big "FU World!" floodgate. Logically I know it's not my fault, that I had nothing to do with whatever situation triggers it, but I can't stop the wracking sobs until they've run their course and wear themselves out.

Bad enough at home, really sucks when it happens at work. Girl came in to pick up her final paycheck, tells me what her last day was & she's already picked that one up. (They sign for it.) Then she says she was told she'd have one last check for the vacation time she had left - which would have been true (if it wasn't on that last one she'd already gotten) BUT this was the first I'd even heard she was gone. Turns out she'd left a month ago the same week I went on vacation, and nobody bothered to tell me or leave me a note so her vacation time didn't get turned in. Cue the waterworks.

Once I'd figured out what happened I (barely) held it together long enough to tell her I'd have to send a pay request to Corporate to get her a check, which can take a couple of days, and that I'd call her as soon as it's ready. She took it pretty well considering, at least she didn't seem angry at me. Then I closed my door, got it out of my system (took awhile) and got back to work.

I used to hate myself for being weak, a big crybaby, when I had these meltdowns. I still do a little, but that subsides as the hormones do, and I'm aware it's a biochemical hormonal reaction and not really anything I can control. Learn to cope with it, yes, but trying to stop it just makes it worse. I'm autistic like our son, and that's just the way it is.

ETA: Looking back over my last couple of entries, she was already gone a week before I left for vacation. Guess I was being too nice when I assumed it got missed because I was out, now I'm a little mad (grrr...) that I wasn't told she'd left when it happened. Somebody dropped the ball on this one (shut up emo self!) and I know darn well this time it wasn't me.
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